I am twenty five years old.
Repeat, I am twenty five.
Nothing has changed. Lol.
It's been very nostalgic revisiting my past via the magic of the inter web. It's rather interesting looking at my posts in an objective, older, wiser light. I sometimes smile at the angst that I carried with me throughout my teenage years. I was so sad and angry. I wonder what on earth was I so unhappy about? I look back now and realize that I had a really good, fulfilling life for someone who was so young. I just wanted to make it difficult to make it seem more interesting. It wasn't difficult at all. I was happy. I just got bored of being happy. I think I watched too many movies about people who had obstacles in their lives, so I grew to believe that this is something that was common in the lives of people. I was brainwashed to believe that in order for me to achieve great happiness was to be miserable first. I was so naive.
I went to a great school that taught me how respect other peoples differences and taught me how to adapt quickly. I had a great group of friends that I still speak to to this day. It makes me feel quite special knowing that I was never alone. I was always loved and looked after. I had a very loving and supportive boyfriend who really loved me for my brain and heart.
Today, I spent the evening rummaging through my old photos, letters, and memory cards to get a glimpse into my past. I couldnt find a lot of things that I wanted to find. I have bad memory so it takes work to remember how life used to be. I know that I have a problem living in the present, so often I revisit the past and question my future. Where will I go? What kind of career will I end up in? Will I be married with children? Will I be the person that I want to be? A good, honest, loving partner and mother? These questions have changed throughout these past years, but essentially they remain the same. I still have questions, I used to feel burdened and smothered by the uncertainty of them. I wanted to know. I felt like something was wrong because I never knew.
Now I'm older and albeit being older, I still have uncertainty about where my life is going but I am getting better about embracing my life as is. I relish in quiet moments alone. I hold tight onto memories that I make with loved ones, no matter how seemingly small they seem.
I live in the city with my brother and room mate. I spend my days off running and biking and coddling my dog sushi. I have a developed a love for the city of Minneapolis after exploring the opposite ends of the world. I have traveled to Europe and Australia for my studies. I lived in Paris for a semester, which proved to be a significant growth period. I always dreamt of going to Paris, but I did not ever imagine living there for an extended amount of time. For the first time, I fell in love with my life. Paris is an illuminating city with sparkling lights and people. I rarely understood what people were saying and imagined myself situated in a dream. It was majestic and thematic. I traveled across Europe, beginning with Italy, Ireland, Nice, Monaco, Milan, Trapani. It was better than any of my dreams. Because it was real.
I came home reinvigorated and full of love. I loved my home, family and boyfriend so much more. I couldnt have imagined my life any better. I developed wanderlust and would spend my days in lecture daydreaming about what else I could see. I traveled throughout the country and visited my friends. I would later go on to study in Australia. It was there that my life changed. The people I met there and the places I saw would set into motion some life changing events that I wouldve never anticipated.
It has been two years and I still think about those people. I'm not in a relationship. I graduated uni and my dad hugged me for the first time as an adult. I tried really hard not to cry.
Its interesting I still have those uncertainties about where my life is headed, but I dont feel like they weigh me down. I feel like I embrace life as it comes, I live with intention and pick myself up when I get knocked down by things Im not prepared for. That's what I love about life, learning and growing is life. It is not the answers, its the questions you pose that shape where your life is headed.
What questions will you ask next?
wow, i actually came across this journal because of the "other" journal which i will not say. i'm surprised i still know my username and password. it's incredible how fluid my memory can me about these things, and horrible when it comes to what i did the day before.
i'm sitting in my brothers bedroom. it's summer and i've never felt so restless. so restless and happy. i love my life for the most part. i still struggle with my future and what i'm looking towards, but for now i'm working doing nails in a small suburban salon in maple grove. i still want to go back to school and i realize that if i don't go back now, i'll probably never go back. people always say life goes by so fast, but damn, my life is going by so painfully slow sometimes. when i'm happy, it's amazing. when i'm sad, it's like the whole world isn't worth my time. i still have these feelings. it is something i do not believe i will outgrow.
so now i look forward, and i am willing to change for it.
I remember when I never met you. But then life introduced me to Eee and Li. Excuses and lies. It was when time didn't stretch nearly as far. You didn't need to wait for an answer, because you had all the time in the world. And there was some comfort in knowing, there is time for everything. Especially when it comes to you.
I use to have time.
Ever since Li came into my life, she told me that I couldn't just live. I needed an appointment for success, reason, and family. But then success lost its formula, reason gave up on convincing, and family kept dying all the time.
Li is a bitch.
Then Li had a baby, her name was Eee. Also known as, Excuses.
Eee was worst than Li, she was foolish. She thought she could think her way through life, making it easier for everyone else. Taking the brunt of the conflict, and not speaking a word. Saying Oh Hell It Is For Love, this is what its suppose to be. Li came back and told Eee that it was okay. But Eee knew it wasn't. She knew it all along.
Then I met Fee and Dee. Fear and disappointment. Fee took me back to before I ever met Li, when it was my worst enemy. But I cheated myself, and am in love with Dee. She is the worst yet. She makes me bend over backwards, see the good in everthing, but then slaps me in face with Ree. Reality.
I wish I could go back before any one you consumed my life. I do not know how to get alway from my friends.
I'm too attached.
Another day of work, even though nobody was out I still ended the night coming back home.
My car hasnt started since thursday! My bag froze today and its plastic. Its just too cold for anything to work.
I really miss Mark, he feels like he is really far away because I know that I can't get to him even if I wanted to. That makes me sad. Really really sad, and really really really cold.
I wish I could see him.
I want to wake up and look forward to whatever is coming.
I miss it so much.
Everything seems pointless, more and more.
Last time I came on LJ was nearly a year ago.
So much has happened over the course of just one year. I wish I could have documented all the events, but I can't say I remember it all.
I go to the University of Minnesota, I am now in my 2nd semester and taking it in day by day.
I am in the greatest relationship to date, and I don't see it ending anytime soon. He makes me want to live again.
I am distant from the world, my focus is on myself lately. I have been a bit selfish since I was last here.
Perhaps it is a good thing? Only in my case
I am currently on my spring vacation.
I really need to cash my check and deposit all my cash. I am horrible at saving money. I don't make very much money at all, yet I seem to spend at least a couple hundred each month. If only I didn't take this whole week off, I'd be up maybe a cool 200 bucks? I'm turning into a adult, the only thing I think about is making that paper. Is that a bad thing?
Well I suppose I need to go pay for my contacts soon. I could be legally blind by now. Ever since Michael stepped on my glasses, every waking moment feels like a fuzzy dream.
Well before all that I'm going to start packing for my trip with Manders and Erin, we are going on a 2-day roadtrip! Extra time for me to finally listen to my contest piece and bond with these girls.
Oh! And more exciting news! Bea and I are going to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, She Wants Revenge/Nightmare of You, and Franz Ferdinand/Death Cab For Cutie show in April, and hell they just all happen to be in the same week! That weekend also coincides with my senior prom night!!! It's gonna be a fun and hectic mess of a blast!!!
Hola mi amigas. I think I'm picking up on Mark's spanish! Cool! Well i'm updating, which I rarely ever do just because I don't know anyone on here and I'm fairly new, so thats why. Summer is here now, I haven't got much of anything done. Due to the fact that I'm the worst procrastinator, EVER alive. Our government is still on shutdown so I can't get my license for a while. I still don't have a job, I don't have anyone to blame but myself, that doesnt make me sad at all though. Just makes me feel like a bum. Which is fine by me! lol. It's Uyen's 17th birthday this Sunday. I'm so excited for her! Hopefully I get to spend it with her. I probably will end up spending the night over there, and keep away from her evil parents. I hope they don't say anymore about me, since I already know they hate me. Oh well, life goes on. As long as Uyen still loves me, I'm happy.
Anyways, onto more depressing news. The London bombings really just made me so sad. Not angry, just really sad. When will people ever stop and realize that they have to try and stop taking over the world. We all live here, together. Why can't we all get along. Perhaps I watch too much Oprah, but man. Last episode I watched, I was eating and I suddenly lost my appetite. It was about the rapes in eastern Congo, I just wanted to cry. And the others. Can you imagine on the other side of the world(from the us), in Romainia there's a father prostituting his own son? It makes me feel so helpless. And a little stupid. Because it seems as if none of my friends are aware of any world issues that are going on today. They either don't care or are too busy with their little circle of friends and they're boring suburban life, that they don't stop to think about how lucky they truly are. Maybe I'm being sort of a hyprocrite because I used to be like that.
Now I have to deal with unecessary problems like a stupid teenager who ran away from home to go live with her boyfriend. What the hell are you thinking. Now your family is calling me because they think that I'm the only voice of reason that you'll listen to. Frankly, I don't want tell to do anything. Anyone who can make that big of a decision to leave home can think for themselves. Your stubborn and selfish. Anything that comes out of my mouth will go in one ear and go out the other. I know you too well. It's just well, man, how many mistakes is it going to take you to realized that YOU screwed up? That your no longer a victim, and the only reason why your life is the way it is, is only because YOU made that choice. So suffer the consequences.
1 more day until WINTER BREAK. YAY. More time to sleep and read. And of course spend time with all my loved ones. I can't wait until I get out of school. Hell, I might not even go tomorrow. Nothing's really going on anyways, most of my classes we're just watching xmas movies. Like Elf. Gosh. Will Ferrell is so awesome.
I got to go now.
I'm starting to neglect all my online journals.