I am twenty five years old.
Repeat, I am twenty five.
Nothing has changed. Lol.
It's been very nostalgic revisiting my past via the magic of the inter web. It's rather interesting looking at my posts in an objective, older, wiser light. I sometimes smile at the angst that I carried with me throughout my teenage years. I was so sad and angry. I wonder what on earth was I so unhappy about? I look back now and realize that I had a really good, fulfilling life for someone who was so young. I just wanted to make it difficult to make it seem more interesting. It wasn't difficult at all. I was happy. I just got bored of being happy. I think I watched too many movies about people who had obstacles in their lives, so I grew to believe that this is something that was common in the lives of people. I was brainwashed to believe that in order for me to achieve great happiness was to be miserable first. I was so naive.
I went to a great school that taught me how respect other peoples differences and taught me how to adapt quickly. I had a great group of friends that I still speak to to this day. It makes me feel quite special knowing that I was never alone. I was always loved and looked after. I had a very loving and supportive boyfriend who really loved me for my brain and heart.
Today, I spent the evening rummaging through my old photos, letters, and memory cards to get a glimpse into my past. I couldnt find a lot of things that I wanted to find. I have bad memory so it takes work to remember how life used to be. I know that I have a problem living in the present, so often I revisit the past and question my future. Where will I go? What kind of career will I end up in? Will I be married with children? Will I be the person that I want to be? A good, honest, loving partner and mother? These questions have changed throughout these past years, but essentially they remain the same. I still have questions, I used to feel burdened and smothered by the uncertainty of them. I wanted to know. I felt like something was wrong because I never knew.
Now I'm older and albeit being older, I still have uncertainty about where my life is going but I am getting better about embracing my life as is. I relish in quiet moments alone. I hold tight onto memories that I make with loved ones, no matter how seemingly small they seem.
I live in the city with my brother and room mate. I spend my days off running and biking and coddling my dog sushi. I have a developed a love for the city of Minneapolis after exploring the opposite ends of the world. I have traveled to Europe and Australia for my studies. I lived in Paris for a semester, which proved to be a significant growth period. I always dreamt of going to Paris, but I did not ever imagine living there for an extended amount of time. For the first time, I fell in love with my life. Paris is an illuminating city with sparkling lights and people. I rarely understood what people were saying and imagined myself situated in a dream. It was majestic and thematic. I traveled across Europe, beginning with Italy, Ireland, Nice, Monaco, Milan, Trapani. It was better than any of my dreams. Because it was real.
I came home reinvigorated and full of love. I loved my home, family and boyfriend so much more. I couldnt have imagined my life any better. I developed wanderlust and would spend my days in lecture daydreaming about what else I could see. I traveled throughout the country and visited my friends. I would later go on to study in Australia. It was there that my life changed. The people I met there and the places I saw would set into motion some life changing events that I wouldve never anticipated.
It has been two years and I still think about those people. I'm not in a relationship. I graduated uni and my dad hugged me for the first time as an adult. I tried really hard not to cry.
Its interesting I still have those uncertainties about where my life is headed, but I dont feel like they weigh me down. I feel like I embrace life as it comes, I live with intention and pick myself up when I get knocked down by things Im not prepared for. That's what I love about life, learning and growing is life. It is not the answers, its the questions you pose that shape where your life is headed.
What questions will you ask next?