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one way or another.

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I'm so tired. Jenni told me I don't write anymore. Or maybe she meant I don't write publicy, because I do write. It's just not as touchy and personal. Most of the subjects I write about are my daily routines. I don't take the time to explain my thoughts on every single thing that happened that day. Although sometimes I make an exception. I rant about really really stupid things. I guess it's alright though. It's my journal. You don't have to take it in if you don't want.

Yesterday I went to take my last BTW with my instructor. I drove around the U of MN campus, that place is so mesmerizing. I kept looking around. After that I drove downtown, the Holidazzle parade was just getting started and I was stuck in some bad traffic for a while. Surprisingly it wasn't that bad. I did pretty awesome. After that I went back to Jenni's and met up with her and Alex. We went to North Village Lanes for Kathy's birthday. It was weird seeing all those people again. Most of the people I saw went to Cooper at some point. Then I realised I didn't miss cooper as much as I thougnt I did. Haha. That school was ghetto as hell. I'm not remotely even close to ghetto. After that we went to Tea Garden and Wendy's. I got home around midnight.
Current Music:
Something Corporate - Down
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Today I am sad.

The weeks seem to run down slower and slower. In grammer school my life was divided into minutes, junior high was set apart by hours, and now high school: by days. I thought I was content for a small period of time. I'm trying so hard to be happy and find something, anything that gives peace of mind. I haven't found it yet. I remember a couple years ago, whenever someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I'd always say "I want to be happy". In my short lifespan I've only found temporary happiness. There is nothing constant that makes me happy. If I could make a list of all the things that I think I need, it'd probably be something along these lines: Happiness, caring for someone, stress free (impossible), someone to lean back on, friends, stable family, and success.

I fell in love with my music. I've realized that being so passionate about something no one really cares about means being alone. No one cares to understand. I'm sorry to all my friends that feel as if I don't care anymore. I just can't. I don't know how. I get so sad and I get so scared sometimes I don't have anything but what I love. I know it will always be there for me no matter what situation I'm in. I've also learned that people will immediately desert you. It's gonna take a lot more than transparent realtionships and phony smiles to make me warm up to you.

I have a big heart, but I am a cold person. Even if you were my worst enemy, and you slipped off a cliff, I'd risk my own life to grab you before your fall. No doubt. All I really ever wanted was for everyone to respect me. As a person with an opinion and feelings. Because I'm a quiet person, it's automatically okay for you assume I don't have a thinking thought in my head. I've met a lot of new people this year, and I feel like crap because you all are not people I want to know.
Current Mood:
sad sad
Current Music:
Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams
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Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays.

It's been a while since I had a break. I performed at Barnes and Nobles on Friday. On the following Saturday I went to Jingle Ball with my friend Jason. Switchfoot stole the show, hands down. They make me wanna become a rockstar. Oh yeahh. That'd be the life. Anyways, I had a Winter Concert on Monday. I sang my mini-solo. I did okay I guess. At the end of the show, this sweet elderly lady came up to me and said "You had the best voice out of your group. You know, my grandchildren go to school in Stillwater. They have 9 instructors there. So if you ever go to Stillwater, they'd want you!" I wanted to hug her. That's the best feeling in the world when complete strangers come up to you and say that. I guess it feels good when your family and friends say it, but you know they have to. Strangers however, don't. That made me strut my stuff for the rest of the night. After that I went to celebrate at Perkins. Got home late, woke up late.

I did a lot of thinking career-wise last weekend. I've been stressing myself out about college and what I want to do. I finally came to a conclusion. I want a career in music. I don't want to become a doctor, or an accountant. Accouting 1 ruined that for me. I cannot imagine my life without music. I was reading up on colleges and narrowed it down to two. U Of MN - Moorhead and U Of MN - Twin Cities. I can't decide. I would go to a music college out of state, but my family doesn't have the income. The truth is, I love music so much, but I hate competing. No matter how good you are, and no matter how hard you try, there's always going to be somebody younger and better than you. It's a fact of life. It scares me because I'm not any of those things. I just love what I do.

There was this one quote I heard at my sister's graduation last spring. It went something like this "...Pick a job you love, so then you'll never have to work a day in your life.." or something along those lines. I'm feeling apprehensive. What if this isn't what's best? I'm a teen. How the hell am I supposed to decide what I want to do when I don't even know who I am?

I forgot Top Model was on today.

Later days.
Current Mood:
confused confused
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tomorrow will be more stimulating for your brain. i promise!
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